im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
