so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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