we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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