Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
