It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Randomize
