I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
