By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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