Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
