I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
