My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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