Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
