I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize