i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Randomize
