You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
