The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I pour the whiskey from now on
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
