i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
