id be glad to
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Shame - the story of my life.
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