He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.