I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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