i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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