I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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