Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
