He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
