Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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