Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
