He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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