I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
