So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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