I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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