what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
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my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
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multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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