whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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