I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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