He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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