so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
