can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
