Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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