Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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