My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
