Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i would punch a child for taco bell
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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