also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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