okay pat passed out under dana's car
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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