dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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