woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
