Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
