he wants to bone in the snuggie
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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