i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
