After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
