I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
