I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
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He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
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Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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