he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
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His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
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Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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