So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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