can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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