i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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