I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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