Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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