His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
