he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
