bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
