So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
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He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
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Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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