im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
