Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Buhtt sex?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
