this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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