hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
